Tob Tabs

Thursday, November 28, 2013

A Kasen Kind of Miracle


November 28th, 2012 was a year ago today.  Stating the obvious, I know.  But on that day, a moment in time changed my life as I knew it.  It was the kind of moment that forever stays in your heart.  The kind where every detail stays in place.  No matter how much time passes.  But before I share with you what that moment held, I’ll need to rewind back to last October….

 I found out I was pregnant (5 weeks in fact) the very first day of October.  The year was 2012.  (Or I guess I should just simply say last year).   It was a happy, nervous, and unexpected kind of day.  But not as unexpected as what happened a mere 25 days later.  The day that I was certain I had just had a miscarriage.  I will try not to go into significant detail, but that day was devastating.  With only a handful of people that knew I was pregnant (and had merely just been told the news)  I felt a void.  Being pregnant was such an exciting secret that was just waiting to be shared (as soon as I was a little further along).  But now it was the best kept secret that would never get told.

And you know the worst part?  It was that I didn’t even know for sure if I had lost the baby.  Evidence was heavy, but real confirmation was not there.  How is that, you might ask?  Well to make a long and boring story short, we didn’t have health insurance quite yet.  Hubby and I were newly weds.  2 month newly weds at that.  We were going through the complicated process of trying to get on my husband's health insurance through his job, because apparently "getting married" is not a qualifying event.  (It wasn't open enrollment for another 6 months).  Previous to marriage we had both been on our parent’s insurances, and had been trying to get everything switched over for months.   So why didn’t I go to the doctor anyways?  Well, being poor was one reason.  And we consulted with a few nurses, that we trusted dearly, who confirmed with me that if I was indeed having a miscarriage, that there was nothing a doctor could do for me.  It was going to happen regardless.  And unless "such and such" was happening to me, it was probably a miscarriage.  They gave me instructions and things to look for that would warrant an emergency room visit as well.  Our insurance was supposed to kick in at the beginning of November anyways.  Which would have been around the 8 week mark in my pregnancy.  The mark that would finally allow my OBGYN to see me.  So I was planning on a doctors trip then, though the circumstances had changed.  

I'm simply positive that I have never ever felt sadness like that before.  Tons of questions ran through my head, stabbing my heart.  I wasn't even planning on getting pregnant for a few years.  So why did I get pregnant before I was ready, just to loose my baby?  A baby that I didn’t even get to know.  Didn’t know it’s name.  It’s gender.  If it looked like me.  My heart ached.  I sobbed myself to sleep that night.  And the next couple of weeks.  I felt numb.  Numb to everything.  Numb to all the happy people who posted on their facebook pages about their babies or pregnancies.  It wasn’t their fault.  I wasn't upset with them,  I tried to be happy.... But my little baby was gone.  It made me sick.    

Add that to the morning sickness I was still having and ugh.  My morning sickness had been and still was terrible.  All day sick to my stomach.  Here I was, sick as ever, with nothing to show for it now.  I didn’t think that was fair.  I mean C’mon.  It was eaiser to deal with when I knew it was all for my sweet baby, but this was getting ridiculous.  It had been a month and still sick as ever and still no insurance.  They kept telling us they were getting it together, but day after day of calling them was not speeding up the process.  I had this dire urge to get to the doctor, and my patience was wearing thin.    

I knew they meant well.  My family that is.   They were only trying to protect me.  You see, a part of me still hung on to a fragment of hope, some kind of gut instinct that my baby was still alive.  That all the bleeding didn’t mean what everyone thought.  But they just patted me on the back and said, "bless your heart."

My hands shook as I called the doctor’s office.  How do I even explain what my appointment is for?  How do I tell them that I have no clue if I’m pregnant?  That I think I had a miscarriage?  That I was  13 weeks along and had no doctors appointment thus far.   Luckily, I finally had insurance.   

I know that God does things for a reason.  Reasons that in the moment make no sense, but looking back, all the dots connect.  The orignal doctor I wanted was booked up for weeks, and they could only get me in with a doctor that I wasn’t sure about.  But at this point I just needed to know.  And they informed me that it was urgent that I get in right away.  

The very next day was November 28th, 2012.  The day of truth.  I was so nauseated that day.  The nerves didn’t help, I’m sure.  I had taken a pregnancy test which still read positive.  So my theories were:  I’m still pregnant, Kyle got me pregnant again, or there was still pregnancy tissues or hormones left in my body.

"Well here goes nothing," I thought as I signed in and took a seat.  Something weird happened though.  More bleeding.  Right there.  In the waiting room.  You’ve got to be kidding?  What was happening to me?  This was the third episode I had had, and of course it would be in PUBLIC.  I tied a jacket around my waist and was thankful for being at the doctor's office in that moment.  Kyle accompanied me back, after my name was called to the second waiting room.  I told the nurse what happened and she rushed me to a room.  In the process I lost Kyle.  I tried to get ahold of him, but the doctor was there before I could.  He was God-sent.  I knew from the moment I met him, that he was who I needed.  He calmed me down and did the regular questions and exams.  Then he took me back for an ultrasound.  My heart sank, and I couldn’t breathe.  I almost felt like hyperventilating.  Here was the unknown about to hit me full force.  I wasn't quite sure if I was ready for the truth.  The cold probe slid all over stomach.  As he moved it around, all I saw was black and emptiness.  Biting my lip, I looked down.  I couldn’t bare the news.  My body felt heavier and heavier, as a big lump formed in the back of my throat.  My head felt like it would explode.  I closed my eyes, fighting back tears.  I had gotten my hopes up for nothing.   

“We have a baby,”  his soft voice proclaimed, waking me out of the fog I was in.   Looking up, tears sprang from my eyes.  Joyful tears of unbelief.  There my baby was.  My tiny little baby moving around in my belly.  Dancing on the monitor in front of me.  My little gummy bear.  That moment in time will forver be seared on my heart.  It left a scar.  A good kind of scar.  No, the BEST kind of scar.  Oh, my sweet baby.   

I sobbed tears of joy, and praised God.  But my tears of joy turned slightly sad because I realized that Kyle didn’t get to see this miracle.  He wasn’t there.  He didn't know.  Oh my gosh, he DIDN'T KNOW.   Luckily, my sweet doctor found him and brought him back to share the great news.  He was floored, yet happy as can be.  We just looked at each other in joyous unbelief, more in love than ever.  

I will never forgot how incredibly happy I felt on that day.  My baby was ALIVE.  He was well.  He was with me all along.  Through the very worst month of my life.  Maybe the hardest part was over.  Though, I didn't know what else this pregnancy had in store for me (HA).  At the moment I was care free, well actually I was terrified of the next part of the appointment. The shot and blood that was about to be drawn from me.  But I knew I could be strong.  My BABY needed me to be strong.  

November 28th, 2012.  The day I found out my baby was still with me.  My very own miracle.  An everyday kind of miracle it was but so very special to me.

My baby fought so hard those first few months, but the fight wasn't over yet.  Stay tuned for Kasen's birth story..... 




2 comments:

  1. Wow, thank you for sharing this story Keiley. Very heart felt & warming. Glad everything worked out for you. Kasen is a doll!

    ReplyDelete
  2. aww thank you Brooke. That means a lot.

    ReplyDelete

 
© Design by Neat Design Corner